Late Night Ramblings

I miss having friends. I have online friends which are so great!! And I really hope to get to meet some of them someday, but I still really miss having friends around. Brian's my best friend, but I need friends outside of him. I'm jealous that he gets to see his friends up here all of the time. They hang out, play xbox, watch the game...do guy stuff. I want a friend to go shopping, go play at the park & watch chick flicks with. I miss that so much!!

I'm not an outgoing person, so its hard for me to just go up to someone and chit chat. I'm SO not a small talker...I'm just socially awkward instead. I did have a best friend I got to see a lot of. My brother's ex-girlfriend, Bobbie-Jo. I miss her so much, but as predicted, since she moved away, we've grown apart & she has her own life & friends up there. So yet again, I'm left pretty much friendless. Plus she has a new boyfriend, so I'm sure her small amount of free time just got a heck of a lot smaller.

I feel jaded by people I guess. Every time I put my heart & soul into a friendship, something happens that separates us. Am I just a bad friend? I don't think I am, but why can't I keep a best friend? I'm still broken hearted by losing Josh & deep-down wish he'd talk to me because I need it. But I know that's not gonna happen. He hasn't said 2 words to me in nearly 2 years--and that was just a quick email when Maddy was in the NICU that he was praying for us. I just wish I either had closure with why he stopped talking to me or he'd contact & talk to me again. Wishful thinking there.

I think part of my problem is I'm not happy here, there's nothing to do that doesn't take at least an hour of driving and/or $$$, and I have no privacy/mommy time. I am stuck in a rut. So much I want to talk about, but no one around to just listen. My kids are great, but they can't give me the adult interaction I crave.

I just really hope to find some friends soon.