Tonight we were watching a TV show & there was a baby born at 30 weeks. I heard a NICU monitor go off & it gave me a small panic attack. I hate that sound. HATE IT! My heart was racing, my breathing sped up, and I flashed back to being in the NICU with Maddy. Tears started welling up & it was all from a 10 second scene from TV! I wonder if it will ever get any easier. Its been nearly 2 years now & I still feel such anxiety & stress from it or when I look at NICU pics of her or even just think about her birth.
We visited the NICU & nurses with our local March of Dimes chapter back in November for Preemie Awareness Day. It was tough then. My eyes filled with tears the moment we walked into the washroom (where you scrub & disinfect your hands/arms before you visit your baby) & the smell of that soap always gets me. I had such anxiety being there. I wanted to run, but know how important it is to conquer that step. Sophie loved being near our favorite NICU nurse & Maddy even sat on her lap for a group picture. (sorry its fuzzy--we only had my phone camera as my camera died).
I guess I never really thought about how traumatic is all was for me & just kept on going without processing it all. I just hope this gets easier someday. I'd like to enjoy my TV shows again minus panic attacks.
1 week ago