HS Facebook Friendings

As Facebook gets bigger, I'm finding myself becoming friends with more people I went to high school with. It's a neat way to see what they've been up to and how the majority of them are stately families. It's also neat to see people who you despised turn out to be decent people & the "popular" crowd turn back into nobodies.

One trend that's been happening to me lately though is that a few guys who I went to school with friend me & admit that they had a crush on me throughout high school. I'm a bit flattered at first, but then get annoyed that they never told me so in high school.

I was an emotional mess in high school. I stayed busy in every club & activity imaginable to push on through the anxiety & depression and to keep up appearances that I was happy. I had my first boyfriend in 10th grade for about 3 months. I was mean & broke up w/him on the phone & he was crushed. I still feel bad about it. I also was involved with one of my older brother's friends for about a month when I was 16, which resulted in a massive heartbreak on my end & feeling worthless and unloveable for years. I felt ruined & was so sure that no one would ever be attracted to me, especially since I believed I was disgustingly fat (I wasn't) & that somehow made me repulsive to the opposite sex.

I remember crying myself to sleep & writing in my live journal (ha! Remember those?) & in my real journal about boys I dreamed would like me, but they'd end up liking my friends. I was dejected, alone & miserable.

When I went to college, I found a new sense of self and a new beginning. I could bust out of that shell of a person I was & gained confidence. I dated & was otherwise involved with several guys before meeting Brian & discovering what honest to goodness love was like. I loved who I became in college & while I'm not the same strength of that version of me now, I know she's still inside somewhere.

Anyways, when a few of my high school friends recently admitted they had crushes on me, I got kinda pissed at why they didn't have the guts to tell me & save me from the emotional hell that I put myself through.

And then a twitter friend, @LifeWithLevi, said, "I kind of think "I had a crush on you then" is codespeak for "wow, you're super awesome now & I missed out"". And it made me glad they didn't say anything a decade ago, or I might not have become the amazing woman I know I am today.

So here's to you cowardly boys from high school. Thank you for not sharing your feelings with me then, because I like my life & my family as they are now & wouldn't change it for the world.