One trend that's been happening to me lately though is that a few guys who I went to school with friend me & admit that they had a crush on me throughout high school. I'm a bit flattered at first, but then get annoyed that they never told me so in high school.
I was an emotional mess in high school. I stayed busy in every club & activity imaginable to push on through the anxiety & depression and to keep up appearances that I was happy. I had my first boyfriend in 10th grade for about 3 months. I was mean & broke up w/him on the phone & he was crushed. I still feel bad about it. I also was involved with one of my older brother's friends for about a month when I was 16, which resulted in a massive heartbreak on my end & feeling worthless and unloveable for years. I felt ruined & was so sure that no one would ever be attracted to me, especially since I believed I was disgustingly fat (I wasn't) & that somehow made me repulsive to the opposite sex.
I remember crying myself to sleep & writing in my live journal (ha! Remember those?) & in my real journal about boys I dreamed would like me, but they'd end up liking my friends. I was dejected, alone & miserable.
When I went to college, I found a new sense of self and a new beginning. I could bust out of that shell of a person I was & gained confidence. I dated & was otherwise involved with several guys before meeting Brian & discovering what honest to goodness love was like. I loved who I became in college & while I'm not the same strength of that version of me now, I know she's still inside somewhere.
Anyways, when a few of my high school friends recently admitted they had crushes on me, I got kinda pissed at why they didn't have the guts to tell me & save me from the emotional hell that I put myself through.
And then a twitter friend, @LifeWithLevi, said, "I kind of think "I had a crush on you then" is codespeak for "wow, you're super awesome now & I missed out"". And it made me glad they didn't say anything a decade ago, or I might not have become the amazing woman I know I am today.
So here's to you cowardly boys from high school. Thank you for not sharing your feelings with me then, because I like my life & my family as they are now & wouldn't change it for the world.