I feel like we don't have any place to belong lately. I've been praying a lot for peace and comfort to withstand the situation we're in, but lately it's just been SO hard not yelling at my mother in law. She treats her son horribly and is downright mean and cruel most of the time we're here, I just hate it. I wish she could see how much she hurts him and try to heal those wounds, but no. She pushes the knife in a bit further. Brian has a parttime job at a local radio station (and one w/a game stop store that he gets like no hours for anymore)& after working all week, long hours most days actually, he came home & was greeted with sass and annoyance by her. I'm so grateful he has a job, even if the pay's terrible & it's not too many hours. It's a job! And it brings him a lot of joy doing & he's good at it too. His attitude is drastically different & he's not as mean or snappy. That is, while we're at my dad's house. The minute we come back to his parents and his mom starts digging into him, it's back to cranky Brian again. I wish we could stay at my dad's house full time, but there's just not enough room in that house. And they have cats which make our allergies go nuts & I have to take meds to keep the allergies at bay which in turns makes me so sleepy and lethargic while I"m there that I don't feel like doing anything. I know my heart and mind are aching for a home of our own, but we're stuck waiting for God to show us where that home will be.
I dream of a someday house a lot. One on a big plot of land, so there's room for my gardens & even a few chickens running in the yard. And with plenty of room for my kids to play and explore & even neighbors with kids not too far away to play with. There'd be a small cottage at the end of the lane for my mom to live in. A garage for Brian to have his truck & do manly car working stuff in it. A large enough downstairs to hold our family & friends for birthday parties. And most importantly, room for my family to be a family. I am dying to not be judged for how I wash the dishes or clean the toilet, getting guilt for making dinner for my family that doesn't include 3 different vegetables, getting attitude for my kids having toys on the floor while they're playing with them or just not having space to breathe!
I cannot believe it will almost be 3 years that we've been here. It's so depressing to think about. I see all of my friends and family going about their daily lives in homes of their own & it takes everything in me to not be jealous. I'm jealous of families with more then 1 car darnit! Or even friends who get to pay off their college loans. I wish so bad that I could pay off my debt every month and see those numbers go down instead of the interest make them go up higher. I cannot defer anymore & it just sucks.
I'm also frustrated that I finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I want to become a doula & lactation consultant. I have such a passion for these fields & think it would be the perfect blending for my social work degree (one of my professors agreed too!). Just one problem. I can't afford it right now. There are no WIC Peer Counselors programs in my county or the next county either, and I don't have $1000+ just lying around to get certified. I finally found a passion that I cannot stop thinking about, but no way to act on it. Just depressing.
I try to not let myself get down most of the time. Try to focus on the positives & thank God for our blessings. Today just was rough I guess. Hopefully next week will go better as we'll be at my dad's again & at least we all feel loved and appreciated there. God, just please help us get through the weekend & make it there!!!
5 weeks ago