Tonight I got an email from my mom explaining what all is going on health-wise with her. I love hearing from her, since I can't call out (no cell service up here & no long distance) & she can't call us right now either, but it made me so sad hearing all that she's already been through & what she's facing in the upcoming months. Emails back and forth are just not enough, so I hope that I can talk to her on Monday on the phone for at least a little bit. I miss her so bad!
Her chemo will last for 4 months and starts on March 8th. Then she'll have radiation and hormone therapy. With the 3 therapies, the cancer only has about a 6-7% chance of returning within the next 10 years, so she's ready to start treatment & kick it's butt. She's so full of fight--I really admire her strength & complete faith in God to help her through this. Such an inspiration.
I was feeling so sad that she has to go through this & I can't be there. I want to be there for her more than anything right now, but I know I can't be. She's in good hands with my step-sister & step-dad taking good care of her. I just hate being so far away from my mother, my best friend when she's going through such a hard time in her life. I hate the fact that she can't spend time w/her granddaughters like she so desperately longs to and I'm worried she won't get to enjoy newbie like she did with the other two. Hopefully she'll get skype set up soon, and I know that will help a lot, but it's still not the same as hugging your mom.
I know people undergoing chemo can do many of the same things they normally do, but she also has treatments a good 5-6 hours away from us, plus that long drive to get into the area. I don't know how often, if at all, that will happen. I want to plan a way to see her, but I'm scared for that too. How will the girls react? Will they understand their Grandma will not be able to play the same way she has in the past? Will they be afraid? How will they react to how I react? She already mentioned she wants to donate her long hair to locks of love before chemo starts to sort of pay it forward. I want to ask her if she'd accept a donation of my hair for herself. Lord knows I have plenty of it & it's full of waves, so a little goes along way even! She isn't concerned with wigs or losing her hair though--just with beating the cancer. What a woman!
I then started feeling sorry for myself, sad she wouldn't be coming to my ob appointments with me like she did w/Maddy and might not be strong enough or healthy enough to come to the hospital when Newbie arrives, as that should be during her chemo treatments still. I was sad that I won't get to be excited for her to come fold newly washed tiny baby clothes with me and ooo & ahh about how adorable & tiny they are. I want to desperately share so many of these exciting baby things with her, but I know they're now going to be limited. Then I got a thought (yeah, God clued me in here) that Bobbie-Jo came into my life just when I needed her the most. We developed a quick, intense sisterly bond & I will now get to share some of these baby experiences with her. She's going to go with me to my doctor appointment on Monday (provided the snow isn't crazy) & I'm going to try to include her as much as possible with Newbie. She may never experience this (she & my brother aren't convinced they want kids after they get married), so I want to invite her to share in my journey. She filled the empty place in my heart that always longed for a sister and I thank God for letting her & Adam get together for not only their happiness, but also my own (and my kids--Sophie ADORES her). I'm not going to lose out on having my mother with me this time, but instead gain having a sister there. And I'm glad mom got to have such tender moments with Sophie & Maddy. She at least got to experience those early days with her other grandbabies.
I fully believe that when God closes a door, He opens a window. We just have to look for it. I strive to have the faith my mom does & am trusting that He will take care of my mom & also lead us where we need to be. It's hard to not worry, but I'm doing my best to give my worries to God. He is the only one in control here & I know He has a plan for everyone and everything. I miss getting to go to church & be around other Christians, but I know I will get again there someday in a church where I feel at home & will get to bring my 3 kiddos to church each week to learn about God like I did as a child. I am excited for them to experience Sunday school and hearing Bible stories from someone other than me before bedtime.
On that note, I need to get to bed. I'm beyond exhausted (Maddy didn't sleep much at all last night and napping wasn't in her agenda today either. poor babe) and I need to rest my weary body. Thank you for any kind thoughts and prayers for my mom & family.
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